Understanding Aloofness – Part II

Guest Post by Allison Burrus, Ph.D.

In Part 1 of this series, I discussed what aloofness is and elaborated on personality in general. I challenged you at the end to discuss your personality with others to get insight into how you are perceived. Humans are an interesting bunch; we are all a little bit different despite sharing common traits. Dr. Brian Little has a theory on why that may be. He describes personality as having three natures: biogenic, sociogenic, and idiogenic (Little, 2017). We already talked about the biogenic nature which is most often measured through the Big Five personality traits. Sociogenic (also referred to as nurture) is the environment that surrounds you now and across your lifetime. Many years ago, there was a wild debate among psychologists about whether the person you are today is a result of nature or nurture. And (no big surprise) the research now reveals it is a combination! Your experiences can lead to your personality adapting, while you are also more likely to choose activities congruent with your inherent personality. Little goes on to describe a third nature that is driven by your personal projects or choices. For example, I am an introvert and yet I chose a profession (teaching) that requires me to speak publicly most days of the week. Little’s (2000) free-trait theory explains that individuals enact free-traits to adapt to a personal project or situation. In this case, my personal project is being a professor and my free-trait is acting extraverted for the time it takes to engage in my project. Little explains that consistently acting outside the normal behavior of your personality type can create tension. As a result, you will ultimately need to retreat to the behavior that is consistent with your underlying personality to avoid mental and physical strain. To the outsider, it may seem as though the individual using a free-trait has tricked them into believing they are something other than they are. This can be a problem because they may assume the individual will continue acting in a manner consistent with their free-trait. For example, people observing me as a professor might assume that I am an extravert and expect me to be lively and ready to socialize in other circumstances. When I don’t deliver on that assumption, I may appear to be disinterested in them (i.e., aloof).

A related issue with unique personalities and personal projects is we all view the world through very different lenses. The differing perspectives can be a real asset in innovation and the quality of work generated by a team; however, it can also create a circumstance for unintentional hurt feelings and miscommunication. Can you think of a time where you and a coworker/spouse/friend were looking at the same situation and came away with completely different interpretations? This reminds me of conversations with my husband on car trips. He is a farmer and runs various types of equipment as part of that role. So, when we drive down the road, he sees every piece of equipment and takes in every field he sees. Then, he asks me if I saw the field and what the corn looked like. And my answer is generally, what field? Personally, I really like cars and houses. So, I might ask if he saw that house and some special feature it had. This exchange could lead to frustration because we may both perceive that the other is indifferent to our personal project or interests. If there were higher stakes than casual observations about what we see on the road, such as observations about an employee going the extra mile by generating a customer-oriented report, this could be problematic to the relationship. One way to address the frustration (and reduce perceived aloofness) is to acknowledge the differences we have and how those play out in our work and relationships. Then we need to begin to understand how those differences could work together for a greater good.

Now let’s dive into some practical ways to address our aloofness. Reporting your personal tendencies is one way to offset some of the negative outcomes that may occur when others view you as aloof. I recently listened to a podcast about personality (Season 1 Episode 4 of WorkLife with Adam Grant) where a consulting group, Bain & Company, is highlighted for some of their best practices. One valuable thing I got from this podcast is that Bain & Company encourages each employee to keep a one-page document that highlights what it is like to work with them. The document is derived from what they have learned from personality tests and other exercises designed to learn about themselves, as well as, what others say about working with them. Reading and reporting what others say about working with you may feel uncomfortable, but it helps other employees who are coming to work with you for the first time understand what you are like. This may lead to better work relationships, engagement, and productivity.

As work becomes increasingly remote due to globalization and health concerns, it is important to address how aloof behavior might impact remote interactions. Media richness theory indicates that different media facilitate understanding in communication to different degrees. For instance, face-to-face communication is thought to be the richest because you are able to receive immediate feedback through the combination of verbal and nonverbal cues. Meanwhile, written text, such as a memo or email, would be considered the least rich because you do not have the tone of voice and nonverbal cues to interpret the meaning. When you attend a meeting face-to-face, you are also likely to have a dedicated space with few distractions, or at least each person in the meeting will have the same distractions. When you are on a video call for a meeting, each person may be dealing with a different circumstance. For instance, when I attend virtual meetings, I keep my microphone muted unless I am talking because I have four dogs that bark every time a squirrel runs through the yard. I also limit what I say on calls to what I feel is very important because I never know when they will start barking. If I don’t let the meeting participants know about my circumstances and how I’m dealing with them, they may believe that I am indifferent to the proceedings. In this case, even people who are not generally construed as aloof may come across that way because of the richness we lose in the communication medium utilized. For the case of remote work, it may be necessary to expand on the “about working with you” document you prepare to include this type of information.

Another nuance to consider is some individuals are better at adjusting to their circumstances because they are high self-monitors. Mark Snyder (1974) introduced self-monitoring theory to explain the ability to monitor and regulate one’s public image to be consistent with the expectations of the specific circumstance. High self-monitors can change based on the demands of the situation, while low self-monitors would be the opposite and rarely adapt (Little, 2017). Research indicates that self-monitoring is not fixed, rather it is more like the free-traits Little describes. While you may be born with more ability to adapt emotions and persona to situations than someone else, we can all engage in self-monitoring. Just because you have aloof tendencies, doesn’t mean that you can’t adapt. You can acknowledge when it occurs and try to make shifts in your behavior.

A final thought on how to combat the perception that you are aloof is to adjust your behavior to build social capital. There are many reasons why you may be coming across as aloof. Perhaps you are caught up in your thoughts, laser-focused on a project you are working on, or maybe you are in recharging mode because you have been enacting free-traits to engage a personal project (pretending to be extraverted while teaching). Regardless of the reason why, some preventative measures may help you in the long run. There is some interesting research that indicates people keep an informal account of the positive and negative behaviors of those they interact with (Gottman & Levenson, 1992). So, if you leave an interaction and all of your actions were perceived as negative, you would have a negative balance in your emotional bank account with that person (Tashiro, 2017). Just like you can only maintain a bank account balance in the negative for so long before the bank cuts you off, the people you interact with will only let your negative balances slide for so long. Therefore, another way of combatting the inevitable moments of being aloof is to make positive deposits in your account. By intentionally being kind, fair, and loyal to those you work with, you essentially earn yourself some grace for those moments when you are wrapped up in your own thoughts, taking moments to recharge, or for whatever reason you may be coming across as aloof (Tashiro, 2017). Adopting a perspective where you look for ways you can help and support those around you will lead to more positive interactions. This is not only good for building your social capital, it will just make you feel better in general.

Personality and those behaviors associated with personality, such as aloofness, may be somewhat fixed, but there are ways to address the behavior when it is hindering your work and relationships with others. We’ve talked about a few ideas in this post, but here at HLA we are always happy to help you navigate your individual circumstances. There is much more research to uncover and apply to whatever ails you! If you want to take a deeper dive into some of the concepts I have described in this post, I recommend:

Brian Little’s TED Talk https://www.ted.com/talks/brian_little_who_are_you_really_the_puzzle_of_personality?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

Season 1 Episode 4 of WorkLife with Adam Grant. https://www.ted.com/talks/worklife_with_adam_grant_your_hidden_personality?language=en&referrer=playlist-worklife_with_adam_grant

Books: Who are you, really? By Brian Little, Ph.D.; Awkward: The science of why we’re socially awkward and why that’s awesome by Ty Tashiro, Ph.D.

Article: The high price of aloof leadership by Jack Zenger. https://www.forbes.com/sites/jackzenger/2013/12/27/the-high-price-of-aloof-leadership/#da8ff2f7f1b8